Free Us From the Wrath of Your Mouth!

These ten victims are subjected to mouths that do plenty of damage.

Offenders: Thirstbuckets
Victim#1: Straw
Have you ever asked somebody for some of their drink? No? Don't like to drink behind others? Cool. But in the case that you have and there's been a straw in their beverage, dont you just hate when it's all chewed up?! Should've just gotten something to eat. Poor straw, it didn't ask for any of that.

Offenders: Jabber Jaws
Victim#2: Nails
Nail-biters become obsessive with this habit. Bet ya didn't know it was called Onychophagia. It can actually transfer a lot of bacteria. People with this habit have nails that are like midgets, they just don't get the chance to grow. One day they're going to come out with nail-flavored things. Yum?

Offenders: Hi-Schoolers
Victim#3: Old People
You've seen them...the kids coming out of high school greeting each other loudly on the train, telling everyone's business, and cursing up a storm. Annoying! And I'm sure at one point someone must've thought the same about me and my friends but the kids today seem sooo much worse. Although it irritates me highly, I feel even worse when old people are subjected to it. I know they're so much more conservative and it just gives them a worse impression of our generation.

Offenders: Religious Train-ers
Victim#4: Everyone they come in contact with
You know they're spreading the good word but you can't help but think, "Will...you...shut...up?!" They preach from train cart to train cart and break the silence with boisterous voices. I must admit, I'll always remember a religious train-er saying "B.I.B.L.E.- Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth" and its always stuck with me. Quite clever, I think. However the majority of the time, I enjoy watching the immediate response of the rest of the passengers. Earphones being plugged in, newspapers opening, eyes rolling.


Offenders: Professor Monotone
Victim#5: Students
These teachers remind me of the Charlie Brown teacher. Wahhh wah wahh wah wahhh. You can't really remember the last thing they said, you know it's important, it'll probably be on the test, your eyes are shutting, your head is dropping and your notes are becoming scribble scrabble. The sweetest victory is when class ends and you're finally free. Too bad you have to go through it again tomorrow.

Offenders: Angry Beavers
Victim#6: Their Children
Parents love to talk you to your ultimate death. You did something wrong and they just won't let it go. They don't feel good if they don't bash it into your brain about how foolish you are and how much better off you would have been if you just listened. You really wanna scream "Shut upppp!!!!" but instead you're a mute, thinking about other things until they're ready to stop. I call these parents angry beavers because they're obviously upset and all they do is damn (dam) you.

Offenders: Parental Advisors
Victim#7: The Friend with a Secret
These are the people who tell their parents everything under the sun. If something happens to them, they're dishing. If something happens to you, they're dishing. Wondering why their parents are looking at you sideways? 'Cause they know all your business! Sure they didn't tell anyone the secret you told them...they just told their mom or dad. That makes it okay... SIKE!

Offenders: Suckers
Victim#8: Thumb
My grandma went to great heights to get me to stop sucking my thumb when I was little. A sock taped around my thumb, salt and pepper, you name it. I went to bed so upset every night because once you start it's a hard habit to kick. But I'm thankful she did it because I hate seeing grown people sucking their thumb 'til its all gray and wrinkly. Eww. Have some pride.

Offenders: Teething Babies
Victim#9: Anything Within Reach
If you've never been by a teething baby, brace yourself if you're ever faced with the circumstance. Hair, clothes, whatever's laying nearby... even your face! They take no prisoners.

Offenders: Breath-Ah-Lie-zers
Victim#10: Innocent Bystander
Their breath was clearly lying to them but it's telling the truth to you... and boy, does the truth hurt! People should get in the habit of carrying gum or mints. Even if you don't suffer from bad breath, fresh breath is the best breath to have.